Embedded Files
As Narrator, Dan speaks over a strumming guitar, in the style of “Luke the Drifter.”
Narrator: I’ll tell you a story, sad but true.
It happened to me, it could happen to you.
I wish it weren’t my tale to tell,
let it be a warning, a vision of hell.
The year was nineteen-thirty-one,
the so-called “depression” had the banks on the run,
In the town of Grey Pines, lost in confusion,
ready to welcome a minister of delusion.
For me it was another day at the office,
trying to regain my Pappy’s losses,
Driving my hot rod with the cops giving chase,
when I saw a hitchhiker with a big black case.
Feet shuffle down a gravel road, and a blind man’s cane taps the ground. A fast car grinds to a stop.
Dan: Say slim, you need a ride?
Jack: Well, thank you kindly friend, looks like we’re both headed the same direction.
Dan: Get in quick, I’m in a hurry.
The car door slams, and the engine revs up.
Dan: For a blind man, you sure found that door handle quick.
Jack: Oh yeah sure. You learn to feel your way.
Dan: What you got in that big black case?
Jack: I got treasure. The best treasure in the world.
Dan: You don’t say.
Jack: I mean the word of God, of course.
Dan: Oh. That kind of treasure. You’re a Bible salesman?
Jack: That’s right. I sell them cheap as I can, so the blessed poor can benefit from the bounty of the word. Say, what’s your name son?
Dan: Dan Fitzpatrick.
Jack: Daniel, pleased to meet you. I’m Jack. Black Jack they called me, back in my wretched days as a sinner, but now I’m saved and I’m just plain ol’ Jack.
Dan: You’re a card player?
Jack: Not anymore! Dan, you seem like the inquisitive type, the kind of person who’s curious about truth, justice and —
As Jack speaks, police car sirens are heard approaching in the distance. The car engine revs faster.
Dan: I don’t mean to interrupt, but if you’re trying to sell me a Bible, you can save your breath. We’re running just about empty, so my last nickel is going in the tank.
Jack: Well son, we don’t survive on gasoline alone, but on every word that comes from God.
The sirens draw closer, and Dan throws the car into a higher gear.
Dan: I appreciate your concern for my survival, and you know, maybe I will dust off Grandpappy’s ol’ Bible if we make it back to town.
Dan whips the car around a turn, and the tires squeal through gravel.
Jack: Golly gee, Dan, you weren’t kidding when you said you were in a hurry.
Dan: All in a day’s work. Here goes nothing.
Jack: (Nervous) And what line of work is that?
Dan down-shifts rapidly, makes another sharp turn, the car screeches to a halt, and Dan kills the engine. The police siren wails past and recedes into the distance.
Dan: Moonshine.
Dan unscrews the lid of a flask and takes a glug.
Dan: You too holy for a nip of white lightning?
Jack: Well hot diggedy dog, don’t mind if I do.
Jack takes the flask, sips gingerly, and then smacks his lips.
Jack: “Let him drink, and forget his poverty, and remember his misery no more.” That’s what the good book says!
Dan: Is that right? How ‘bout you tell that to the sheriff.
Jack: You planning on seeing him anytime soon?
Dan: Not if I can help it!
The engine sputters when Dan starts the car again.
Dan: (He slaps the steering wheel) Come on baby, just one more mile.
The car backs over gravel and then speeds down the road.
Dan: I hope you don’t judge me for working a little outside the law.
Jack: My friend, it’s not my role to judge. I was once a sinner just like you.
Dan: After the farm got wrecked in the flood last year, my ol’ man can’t pay off his loan to the bank. This is the only way I know to keep the farm.
Jack: The good Lord works in mysterious ways.
Dan: You got that right.
The engine sputters and then goes silent. The car drifts over the gravel and begins to slow down.
Dan: What was that you were saying about God’s word running on gasoline?
Jack: (Laughing nervously) Well, I might have been paraphrasing a bit.
Dan: I suppose you’ll tell me prayer can move mountains.
Jack: That’s right!
Dan: I’m sure the man upstairs is real busy with more important things, but it sure would be nice if we could make it to the gas station.
Jack: Heavenly Father!–who in thine infinite wisdom hath put young Dan and myself in this automobile careening down this dark valley; Who in thine immaculate mercy didst call back the flood waters and part the Red Sea! We humble travelers beseech thee that thou might grant us just a little more gasoline. Amen?
Dan: Amen.
The engine sputters to life again.
Dan: Well what’d’ya know, it worked!
Jack: (Mumbling) You never can tell.
Narrator: As I hammered down the throttle on that big V-8,
I didn’t notice Jack’s surprise was just as great,
as mine at such a prayer granted.
Sometimes mercy comes a little bit slanted.
The car slides to a stop on gravel.
Dan: Thank God, we made it! (Calling out the window) Hey Billy, where you at? Come pump us a nickel of gas!
Suddenly, the police siren wails, and a police car whips around a corner and screeches to a halt.
Dan: Ah shucks, just my luck.
The Shariff jumps out of his car, slams the door and cocks a pistol. He laughs villainously.
Sheriff: I knew you’d be running on empty, Dan Fitzpatrick, you damn fool hillbilly. You’d be helping your pappy on the farm if you had any sense in you, but no. You gotta go making a hazard and getting in trouble with the law.
Dan: Sheriff, you know there’s no farm left, and my ol’ man doesn’t want help from nobody.
Sheriff: That’s right, I do know that, and that’s why I’m going to have mercy on you. This time.
Dan: Which means you’ll be confiscating the evidence, as usual.
Dan flips open the trunk of the car.
Sheriff: Hoooo-weee! That sure is a lot of evidence.
Dan: Careful you don’t have to much fun with it.
Sheriff: (Lowering his voice) Careful? You gonna tell me to be careful? Now, we’ve got an understanding, you and I, but you be careful running that hillbilly mouth of yours. I would hate for you pappy to find out your dead in a ditch somewhere. Understood?
Dan: Anything you say, Sheriff.
Shariff: That’s what I like to hear. And who’s this riding shotgun with you?
Jack: Well hello there officer, Black Jack is what they use to call me, back in my wretched—
Dan: He’s a hitchhiker. A Bible salesman. You wanna buy a Bible, Sheriff?
The Sheriff chuckles. He spits.
Sheriff: You know the sun’s gone down? Those are some mighty dark shades you’re wearing, preacherman.
Jack: Beggin’ your pardon officer, but I’m a blind man!
Sheriff: Oh. (He chuckles and mumbles) The blind leading the blind.
Jack: What’s that you say, Sheriff?
Sheriff: I suppose you're deaf too.
Dan: Ah come on Sheriff, don’t get him all fired up with righteous indignation.
Jack: “They will hate you because they hated me,” that’s what Jesus said!
Sheriff: Alright, alright. You know the drill, hillbilly. Collect that evidence for me.
Dan hauls a few kegs of moonshine out of his trunk and into that of sheriff's car.
Narrator: Finding in Grey Pines a vacuum of law,
Laughing manaiacal, the demons guffaw,
And as the sheriff takes his toll,
A tariff too is on his soul.
Back in the car, Dan starts the engine and pulls back on the road.
Jack: So that’s law and order around here?
Dan: Welcome to Grey Pines. Pretend you didn’t see anything.
Jack: We must render unto Caesar his due.
Dan: I guess. Well, you want to sell some Bibles? Let’s go to church.
Jack: At this hour?
Dan: It’s that time of night. We gotta bring the bad news.
Jack: (Smacking his black case) I’ve got plenty of good news to make up for it! You know that’s what “gospel” means. The good news!
The car rolls to a stop. Dan and Jack walk up to the church. Muffled ragtime music is heard amongst the panoply of frogs and insects.
Dan: It’s a good thing you can’t see the church. She could use a fresh coat of paint. A new roof. And just about everything else. It’s a damn shame.
As he says this they get our of the car and walk through squishy mud toward the church.
Jack: Good golly, is the church in a swamp? And what’s that music?
Dan: Don’t going spreading it around, but every Saturday night, the church becomes a speakeasy.
Jack: Now that is a shame. That’s a cryin’ shame.
Dan makes the “secret knock” on the door.
Teddy: What’s the password?
Dan: It’s me Teddy, Johnny Appleseed.
Teddy throws open the door to a blast of ragtime.
Teddy: He’s here boys, our savior!
There’s a roar of applause, but Dan cuts it off.
Dan: Nah, nah, cut the music. No joy tonight.
The music stops abruptly and the applause turns to groans.
Pappy: Ahhh shit on stick, Danny Boy, you didn’t make it?
Dan: I’m sorry Pappy, I ran out of gas and the shariff got me.
The groans turn to murmured curses and insults.
Pappy: Excuses, excuses. Doesn’t Reverend Teddy pay you enough to afford a little gasoline?
Dan: Not if we’re gonna keep the farm, Pappy! Unlike the shariff, who takes his tax honestly, those bankers are sure to give us hell if we don’t make the interest payments.
Teddy: Tax? Ha! The amount of moonshine that Sherif is sitting on could fill the seven seas.
An angry chorus shouts in agreement.
Jack: It’s a cryin’ shame! An outrage! A poke in the eye of justice!
Everyone goes silent, sizing up Jack.
Pappy: And now who is this joker?
Jack: They used to call me black Jack, back in my wretched days as a—
Dan: This is Jack, the Bible salesman.
Jack: I have come to declare God’s vengeance! It may sound like Dan and I have brought bad news, but hear this good news! I tell you this dry, dreary Saturday night is but a calm before a storm of righteous wrath that is coming to wash away the greed and corruption that have ravished this humble little town. Soon the gray pines will grow evergreen!
Teddy: Golly, mister. Seems your a preacher too.
Jack: The shariff, the bank, and the Devil himself cannot withstand the raging torrent of justice that I am about to whip on this town! Lashing upon lashing, like the torrents of a tempest, like the raging thunder of a thousand—
A booming knock thuds upon the door. Silence. Teddy shuffles to the door.
Teddy: What’s the password?
Sheriff: You’re all under arrest unless you open this door, Teddy.
Teddy: (Whispering) It’s the sheriff.
Dan: It’s not like we have any moonshine. Let him in.
Teddy unlocks the door and it creaks open.
Teddy: Well good evening, Sheriff. We were just listening to a sermon from this nice preacherman. Would you care to join us?
Shariff: Yeah right, and hell has frozen over.
Jack: Blessed are they who thirst for justice!
Teddy: Now, now, we appreciate your good news, Mr. Preacherman, but let’s keep the peace for now.
Shariff: Somehow I came upon something you might be lacking.
The sheriff sloshes a jug of moonshine and takes a long swig.
Sheriff: Two dollars for what’s left in this jug, take it out leave it.
Pappy: Two damn dollars?!
Dan: Come on fellas, don’t act so surprised, it’s business as usual.
Sheriff: You heard the kid, cut the theatrics.
Grumbling, the men sift through their pockets for coins.
Teddy: Alright just twenty more cents, I’ll add that from the till. And Dan you just make sure your tank is filled up next time.
Sheriff: (slurring his words) The kid can drive, that’s a fact. With half a tank, maybe there is hope for the farm after all.
(Pause. The frogs hum.)
Teddy: Well Sheriff, are you going to stick around?
Sheriff: (Coming to his senses and laughing abruptly) With you outlaws? I wouldn’t be caught dead.
He sloshes the jug forward. Two dollars of coins hit his palm, and a couple slide through his fingers, jangling on the floor.
Sheriff: That there’s the sound of a little mercy. (Mumbling) All the missus can afford, after the grocery and bills and all.
The Sheriff stumbles out the door.
Teddy: You drive careful now Shariff.
Sheriff: (Grumbling as he sloshes through the mud toward his car) What’re you my mother?
Teddy closes the door. .
Teddy: He’s got children to feed, but—
Gus: Two damn dollars! It’s a travesty.
Jack: Pardon me, but I just realized I left something in the car.
Jack’s cane taps toward the door.
Teddy: Here, I go the door for you Mr. Preacherman. I’d offer you a flashlight, but I guess you don’t need it!
Jack: Oh, that’s so kind of you, thank you.
The door creaks open again, and Jacks taps out into the mud. Teddy shuts the door.
Dan: Well what are we waiting for? Hit the music!
The ragtime plays again.
Teddy: Let’s be grateful for the little we have.
Glasses and tin cups clink as Teddy pours out some shots.
Teddy: Here’s to hope in better times to come!
The men cheers each other and banter erupts.
Men bantering: You remember when the Shariff played ball at state…ah those were better times…Gus quit farting…it was a barking spider…rememeber that one time when back when booze was still legal, and the sheriff used to come around…
The music swells and then fades into the narration music.
Narrator:
With a taste of lighting and a feeling fond,
no body pondered on Jack being gone.
For a while, Jack was not missed,
When he came back, nobody noticed,
Gone he was long as a country mile,
And back he came with an odd smile,
Preaching truth to power and woe to the banks,
And for his good word we gave him much thanks.
But come morning the news befuddled,
‘cause the Sheriff was found dead in a puddle.
The narration music fades into the sound of birds chirping outside the walls of the church. When Teddy speaks, his voice is haggard.
Teddy: Now I’m sure y’all heard the news this morning. A sad and dreadful thing. The sheriff was found dead. How a man drowns in two inches of water is beyond my comprehension, but the Lord works in mysterious ways.
A woman weeps theatrically.
Teddy: Now, now Mrs. Sutton, don’t cry too much, because the sheriff has gone to his reward.
Pappy coughs loudly.
Dan: (Murmuring) Pappy, if you’re going to hack up a long, don’t do it in church.
Teddy: It is not our place to understand these tragic events, and I trust we’ll all be praying for the Sheriff’s family. As always I thank y’all for coming to church today. God willing, someday we’ll fix the wholes in the roof and maybe stave off the bats once and for all.
Pappy: Oh now he’s going to ask us for money, I bet.
Dan: Hush, Pappy!
Teddy: But today, we’ve got an exciting visitor. Reverend Jack has traveled far to come preach to y’all, so let’s give him a hardy welcome.
A smattering of claps fill the church, and something flutters in the rafters. Jack’s cane taps up to the pulpit.
Jack: Thank you. Thank you Reverend Teddy. Y’all are too kind. Too kind. Too kind to a wretch like me. A man who was once called Black Jack for my wicked gambling ways. But it was good the Lord put me through those trials so I might hear his call to come witness to y’all here in lovely little Grey Pines. (Pappy Coughs) I dare say, I may be a blind man, but I can see this is a good town. To y’all it might not look like it. It might not feel like it. But this town is waiting on a miracle. Can I get an amen?!
Mrs. Sutton: (wailing) Amen, brother preacherman!
Jack: On a gloomy day like today, with the poor sheriff on his way to the grave, this town is in need of some good news. Oh yes, as Reverend Teddy so truly said, it is not for us to know the mysterious ways of the Most High God. As the Lord speaks through the prophet Isaiah: “My thoughts are not your thoughts.” As God tells Job: “Where were you when I created the foundations of the world?” Well, Mrs. Sutton, where were you?
Mrs. Sutton: (Weeping) I don’t know!
Jack: Young Mr. Dan, where were you when God created the foundations of the world?
Dan: I wasn’t born yet.
Jack: That’s right. It’s not for us to know. But did you know, in the good book, it says eat, drink and be merry? It’s about time there was something to be merry about around here. And I dare say, if the good Lord came today, he might turn water into wine for the gentry on the coasts, but for the folks in the heartland, he’d turn water into moonshine!
Pappy: (Coughing excitedly!) Amen to that!
Jack: Now, do y’all know that God loves you?
Mrs. Sutton: Oh yes!
Jack: Not a bird falls from the sky without God knowing and caring about it. How much more he must love and care for his faithful flock? Did you know, by golly, he has counted every single hair on your head?!
Pappy: Not many.
Dan: Hush Pappy!
Jack: Yes, it is true, as they say, that the beginning of wisdom is fear of the Lord. And what is the end of wisdom? Why, it’s love! The Old Testament says fear God, but then Jesus comes to tell us to love God, and love our neighbor. Well I’m sure y’all know all that. I’m sure you’ve heard it from Reverend Teddy a hundred times. Isn’t that right?
Mrs. Sutton: Amen!
Jack: But how about this, tell me this. How are you supposed to love your neighbor, when the bank is threatening you with eviction? Pretty soon you might not have any neighbors at al! (Looking skyward) Oh God, we know that you are all mighty and all loving, but why do you allow the bank to harass these good people? Dear Lord, you say consider the lilies. Consider the ravens. But do the lilies and the ravens ever fall behind on their interest payments?!
Mrs. Sutton: (Weeping) Oh Lord! Lord!
Jack: Well of course, the good book has wisdom to sooth all our worry and woe. Reverend Teddy my friend, do you ever preach to this congregation from the book of Proverbs?
Teddy: (Caught off guard) Uh, why yes, I suppose so.
Jack: Folks, you know that the book of Proverbs is abounding in wisdom. And what does it say in the book of Proverbs? Who here has a Bible handy? Reverend Teddy, do you have a Bible?
Teddy: Why yes, of course.
Jack: Reverend Teddy, turn to Proverbs, chapter thirty-one, verses six and seven, and tell me what it says.
Teddy: Let’s see here. (He pages through a Bible). “Give strong drink unto him that is ready to perish, And wine unto the bitter in soul: Let him drink, and forget his poverty, And remember his misery no more.”
Pappy: Well I’ll be, that good book is better than I thought!
Jack: Oh worry and woe, dear Lord, look at this church! It’s about ready to perish. Oh God, the misery of these poor people, makes my soul bitter. Oh God, please! We need a miracle. Please, show us a sign of your love. Dear people of Grey Pines, pray with me, please!
Mrs. Sutton: Oh please, Lord!
From behind the pulpit, Jack procures a jug of clear liquid.
Jack: Oh God, here I hold a jug of water. I ask you dear God, as Elija called on you for a sign and you sent fire to destroy the pagan Gods, I too call on you for a sign, dear Lord! As you turned water into wine for the folks at the wedding in Cana, please dear God, I ask you, turn this water into moonshine! Can I get a witness?
Congregation: (Roaring in unison) Amen!
Pappy: Amen to that!
Mrs. Sutton: And Hallelujah!
Dan: (Murmuring) I don’t know Pappy, we shouldn’t put God to the test.
Pappy: Hush now, let’s see.
Jack: Okay folks, here’s the moment of truth. Has God heard our prayer? Pappy, why don’t you take a sip of this jug and let us know.
Pappy: (Elated) Well don’t mind if I do!
Jack unscrews the lid of the jug and hands it over to Pappy, who takes a sip.
Pappy: (Screaming) White Lightning!
The congratulation erupts in cries of joy.
Jack: Praise God! Hosanna in the highest! And on earth, peace to people of good will!
Mrs. Stutton: Hallelujah!
Dan: Pappy, are you serious?
Jack: Pappy, why don’t you pass that jug around?
Teddy: Amen Pappy, pass it here.
Jack: That’s not moonshine folks. That’s the blessed blood of Jesus. That’s good news in a bottle, flowing like the waters of the River Jordan!
The jug is passed from person to person, each taking many long gurgles.
Pappy: We’ll gat durn, Dan you weren’t lyin’, it was a good day to come to church!
Jack: God gives us what we need to do his will, and today that’s moonshine.
Mrs. Sutton: Pappy you already had enough, save some for the rest of us.
Pappy: Hoooo-weee!
Jack: The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away. He took the Sharif, but he gives us moonshine! The harvest is plentiful, but the laborers are few. Come all ye faithful, come to drink to the health of the bridegroom and his church, come to the supper of the Lord!
Mrs. Sutton: Amen, I say Aaaaamen!
She glugs the jug.
Jack: Wash away those tears, Mrs. Sutton. Wash away the heartache, and the sorrow. No more gnashing of teeth, for the sun now shines in the dark valley. Can I get a witness?!
A chorus of “amen” comes from the congregation, along with the enthusiastic sloshing of the jug. Now Jack lowers his voice and the room becomes hushed.
Jack: Folks, today God is washing away our troubles. And what is it that troubles this town? Why is it young Dan can’t afford gasoline? Why is it Pappy can’t rebuild the farm?
Pappy: Those damn interest payments!
Dan: (Murmuring) No cursing in church, Pappy.
Jack: That’s right. Folks, did you know it specifically says in the good book, multiple times in the law given to Moses, don’t lend money if you’re going to charge interest?
Pappy: I did not know that.
Jack: That’s called usary, folks, and it’s the work of the Devil. Those who don’t work, don’t eat. That’s what the good book says. Money is meant for working people! Tell me, what work do you see those bankers doing?
Pappy: They ain’t doing shit!
Dan: Pappy, no cursing in church.
Jack: Those bankers have the police doing all their work for them. Hard working men like the sheriff, God rest his soul, got to go around keeping folks scared stiff, so the bankers can sit pretty.
Teddy: Pappy, pass that damn bottle.
Dan: Well I guess we just cursing in church now.
Pappy: To hell with the bank!
Jack: Amen, brother!
Jack: I’m not a gambling man anymore more, but if I were I’d make a bet: If y’all didn’t have to make those interest payments, wouldn’t there be a fresh coat of paint on the walls of this church?
Congratulation: Yeah!
Jack: Holes in the roof! (He pounds his fist on the pulpit) Bats flying every which way. Those demon vermin, those critters of the dark. How you gonna let your light shine in a place like this? It’s a cryin’ shame (pounding his fist) seeing the temple of the Lord so disheveled. But all the money’s going to the bank, so there’s none left to put in the basket. Pass me that jug.
Teddy: I believe it’s all gone, Reverend Jack.
Jack: Oh no, Lord have mercy!
Pappy: Well gat durn it, the moonshine’s gone. Are we gonna sit here all day griping or we gonna do something?! I’m goin over to that bank and showing them my interest—with my shotgun!
(The congratulation howls in approval.)
Dan: Sit down now Pappy, quit bluffing.
Jack: Bluffing? Bluffing! Boy, clearly you never been a card player. You’re Pappy ain’t bluffing, because he’s got a royal flush of truth and justice in his hands. Oh Jesus, if you were here you’d be tossing the tables of the money changers.
Jack pounds his fist once more, and the pulpit falls to pieces. Mrs. Sutton screams.
Jack: Ah, I’m sorry, I just got so worked up and broke the darn pulpit. Reverend Teddy, please forgive–
Pappy: Hey, look-ee there!
Teddy: What in tarnation?
Jack: What? What do y’all see?
Pappy: There’s three more jugs of shine!
Teddy: More moonshine, hidden in the pulpit!
Mrs. Sutton: It’s a miracle!
Jack: More moonshine? Why yes. Yes! Glory be to God! Teddy my friend, pass these blessings around.
Jack unscrews another lid.
Teddy: Yes sir-ey!
Jack: If God is with us, who could stand against us?!
Jack bursts into song, and the congregation joins him.
Jack: (Singing) Mine eyes have seen the coming of the glory of the lord, he is trampling out vineyard where the grapes of wrath…
The singing fades into the narration music.
Narrator: Answer not a fool accoding to his folly
Lest you be like him yourself,
Says the good book of proverbs,
Sitting dusty on the shelf.
We let the church fall down,
We let the Devil in,
We forgot the thorny crown,
We forgot that God will win.
Tapping fingers on a cash register echo off marble walls. Muffled outside the glass doors, a mob approaches, singing “The Battle Hymn of the Republic.”
Mr. Boggs: Dierdra, is there a parade today?
Dierdra: I don’t believe so, Mr. Boggs. Oh heavens, that’s the obstinate farmer, and he has a shotgun!
Mr. Boggs: Dierdra, call the Sheriff!
Dierdra: The Shariff is dead, Mr. Boggs.
Mr. Boggs: Then call in the big guns. You know the red button under the counter?
Dierdra: Yes, Mr. Boggs.
Mr. Boggs: Hit the red button.
A rock is hurled through the glass doors, and the mob crashes into the building.
Mob: (singing) …his truth is marching on!
Pappy: Stick ‘em up bankerman.
Teddy: Raise ‘em high for Jeaus!
Pappy: No more interest payments. We’re making a withdrawal of all the money you stole from us.
Mrs. Sutton: (Breathless) Gonna give it to God and fix up the church!
The mob roars in approval.
Mr. Boggs: Fellas, ladies, please calm down. It appears you're drunk at noon on a Sunday.
Mrs. Sutton: We’re drunk on the Spirit!
Teddy: Amen! Reverend Jack came and whipped up our righteous anger, and…and he…
Mr. Boggs: Reverend who? Teddy, I thought you were the Reverend.
Teddy: (Bewildered) Well where is Reverend Jack?
Mr. Boggs: Now folks, how about you turn around and go sleep it off. The insurance will cover fixing the window, and we’ll forget this ever happened.
Pappy: Enough with your tricks, bankerman. If you don’t bring us all the money lickidy split, I’m sending you straight back to hell where you came from.
Pappy cocks the shotgun.
Dierdra: Please Mr. Boggs!
Mr. Boggs: Okay Dierdra, (he tosses her a set of keys) get the money. (To the mob) You’re going to regret this. Teddy, what in the name of God has gotten into you?
Teddy: Well it wasn’t me, it was—
Pappy: In the name of God?! Bankerman, if the only time you think of God is when a shotgun is staring you in the face, you’ve got plenty more thinking to do in eternity.
A car screeches to a halt outside the bank and the tires grind over the broken glass.
Pappy: There’s our get-away driver. And here comes Dierdra with the money. Alright Teddy, grab those bags and toss ‘em in the trunk.
A barrage of police sirens approach rapidly. The mob goes quiet.
Mrs. Sutton: (whimsically) That must be the Shariff, back from the dead.
Dan: (Yelling from the car) It’s the state patrol, hurry!
Pappy: You heard the boy, Teddy!
Teddy slams the trunk. The police cars skid to a stop. The sirens wail outside the bank and then cease. A police officer addresses the mob over a megaphone.
Officer: We’ve got the bank surrounded. Come out with your hands in the air.
Teddy: (With renewed vigor) Oh God. God! If God is with us, who could stand against us?!
Suddenly, a shot rings out and an officer howls in pain.
Officer: Man down! Open fire!
A barrage of gunfire rips through the sleepy town. Mrs. Sutton screams. Teddy sings “The Battle Hymn of the Republic.” Then Mrs. Sutton goes quiet, as does Teddy. The gunfire stops. Pappy moans, and Dan scrambles to him across the broken glass.
Dan: Damn it, Pappy, why’d you go shorting at the cops?!
Pappy: (Weakly) It wasn’t me, I swear, I didn’t fire a shot.
Dan: Ah shit Pappy, you’re hit bad.
Pappy: Someone was shooting from the church steeple.
Dan: Nevermind that for now. Let me get you out of here.
Pappy groans as Dan lifts him to his feet. Then another shot rings out, and Dan hoots in pain. They collapse. Pappy groans. Footsteps approach over the broken glass.
Pappy: Oh Danny boy, my time is coming quick. I never really believed in God, so I never really believed in the Devil.But I’m looking at him right now. He’s walking up, staring me down with his mean gray eyes. Oh Lord, help me.
Dan: (Wincing in pain) I see him too Pappy. It’s Reverend Jack.
Jack: You can call me Black Jack now.
Jack ejects the spent round from his rifle. He opens the car door, gets in the driver’s seat, and slams the door.
Jack: Mathew seven-fifteen. Beware of false prophets. They come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravenous wolves.
Jack shuts the door, starts the car, and drives away.
Pappy: Ah damn it all to hell, Pappy. It wasn’t Bibles he had in that big black case. It was a sniper rifle. Pappy? Ah Pappy no.
Dan begins to weep.
As Narrator, Dan speaks over a strumming guitar, in the style of “Luke the Drifter.”
Narrator: I’ll tell you a story, sad but true.
It happened to me, it could happen to you.
I wish it weren’t my tale to tell,
let it be a warning, a vision of hell.
The year was nineteen-thirty-one,
the so-called “depression” had the banks on the run,
In the town of Grey Pines, lost in confusion,
ready to welcome a minister of delusion.
For me it was another day at the office,
trying to regain my Pappy’s losses,
Driving my hot rod with the cops giving chase,
when I saw a hitchhiker with a big black case.
Feet shuffle down a gravel road, and a blind man’s cane taps the ground. A fast car grinds to a stop.
Dan: Say slim, you need a ride?
Jack: Well, thank you kindly friend, looks like we’re both headed the same direction.
Dan: Get in quick, I’m in a hurry.
The car door slams, and the engine revs up.
Dan: For a blind man, you sure found that door handle quick.
Jack: Oh yeah sure. You learn to feel your way.
Dan: What you got in that big black case?
Jack: I got treasure. The best treasure in the world.
Dan: You don’t say.
Jack: I mean the word of God, of course.
Dan: Oh. That kind of treasure. You’re a Bible salesman?
Jack: That’s right. I sell them cheap as I can, so the blessed poor can benefit from the bounty of the word. Say, what’s your name son?
Dan: Dan Fitzpatrick.
Jack: Daniel, pleased to meet you. I’m Jack. Black Jack they called me, back in my wretched days as a sinner, but now I’m saved and I’m just plain ol’ Jack.
Dan: You’re a card player?
Jack: Not anymore! Dan, you seem like the inquisitive type, the kind of person who’s curious about truth, justice and —
As Jack speaks, police car sirens are heard approaching in the distance. The car engine revs faster.
Dan: I don’t mean to interrupt, but if you’re trying to sell me a Bible, you can save your breath. We’re running just about empty, so my last nickel is going in the tank.
Jack: Well son, we don’t survive on gasoline alone, but on every word that comes from God.
The sirens draw closer, and Dan throws the car into a higher gear.
Dan: I appreciate your concern for my survival, and you know, maybe I will dust off Grandpappy’s ol’ Bible if we make it back to town.
Dan whips the car around a turn, and the tires squeal through gravel.
Jack: Golly gee, Dan, you weren’t kidding when you said you were in a hurry.
Dan: All in a day’s work. Here goes nothing.
Jack: (Nervous) And what line of work is that?
Dan down-shifts rapidly, makes another sharp turn, the car screeches to a halt, and Dan kills the engine. The police siren wails past and recedes into the distance.
Dan: Moonshine.
Dan unscrews the lid of a flask and takes a glug.
Dan: You too holy for a nip of white lightning?
Jack: Well hot diggedy dog, don’t mind if I do.
Jack takes the flask, sips gingerly, and then smacks his lips.
Jack: “Let him drink, and forget his poverty, and remember his misery no more.” That’s what the good book says!
Dan: Is that right? How ‘bout you tell that to the sheriff.
Jack: You planning on seeing him anytime soon?
Dan: Not if I can help it!
The engine sputters when Dan starts the car again.
Dan: (He slaps the steering wheel) Come on baby, just one more mile.
The car backs over gravel and then speeds down the road.
Dan: I hope you don’t judge me for working a little outside the law.
Jack: My friend, it’s not my role to judge. I was once a sinner just like you.
Dan: After the farm got wrecked in the flood last year, my ol’ man can’t pay off his loan to the bank. This is the only way I know to keep the farm.
Jack: The good Lord works in mysterious ways.
Dan: You got that right.
The engine sputters and then goes silent. The car drifts over the gravel and begins to slow down.
Dan: What was that you were saying about God’s word running on gasoline?
Jack: (Laughing nervously) Well, I might have been paraphrasing a bit.
Dan: I suppose you’ll tell me prayer can move mountains.
Jack: That’s right!
Dan: I’m sure the man upstairs is real busy with more important things, but it sure would be nice if we could make it to the gas station.
Jack: Heavenly Father!–who in thine infinite wisdom hath put young Dan and myself in this automobile careening down this dark valley; Who in thine immaculate mercy didst call back the flood waters and part the Red Sea! We humble travelers beseech thee that thou might grant us just a little more gasoline. Amen?
Dan: Amen.
The engine sputters to life again.
Dan: Well what’d’ya know, it worked!
Jack: (Mumbling) You never can tell.
Narrator: As I hammered down the throttle on that big V-8,
I didn’t notice Jack’s surprise was just as great,
as mine at such a prayer granted.
Sometimes mercy comes a little bit slanted.
The car slides to a stop on gravel.
Dan: Thank God, we made it! (Calling out the window) Hey Billy, where you at? Come pump us a nickel of gas!
Suddenly, the police siren wails, and a police car whips around a corner and screeches to a halt.
Dan: Ah shucks, just my luck.
The Shariff jumps out of his car, slams the door and cocks a pistol. He laughs villainously.
Sheriff: I knew you’d be running on empty, Dan Fitzpatrick, you damn fool hillbilly. You’d be helping your pappy on the farm if you had any sense in you, but no. You gotta go making a hazard and getting in trouble with the law.
Dan: Sheriff, you know there’s no farm left, and my ol’ man doesn’t want help from nobody.
Sheriff: That’s right, I do know that, and that’s why I’m going to have mercy on you. This time.
Dan: Which means you’ll be confiscating the evidence, as usual.
Dan flips open the trunk of the car.
Sheriff: Hoooo-weee! That sure is a lot of evidence.
Dan: Careful you don’t have to much fun with it.
Sheriff: (Lowering his voice) Careful? You gonna tell me to be careful? Now, we’ve got an understanding, you and I, but you be careful running that hillbilly mouth of yours. I would hate for you pappy to find out your dead in a ditch somewhere. Understood?
Dan: Anything you say, Sheriff.
Shariff: That’s what I like to hear. And who’s this riding shotgun with you?
Jack: Well hello there officer, Black Jack is what they use to call me, back in my wretched—
Dan: He’s a hitchhiker. A Bible salesman. You wanna buy a Bible, Sheriff?
The Sheriff chuckles. He spits.
Sheriff: You know the sun’s gone down? Those are some mighty dark shades you’re wearing, preacherman.
Jack: Beggin’ your pardon officer, but I’m a blind man!
Sheriff: Oh. (He chuckles and mumbles) The blind leading the blind.
Jack: What’s that you say, Sheriff?
Sheriff: I suppose you're deaf too.
Dan: Ah come on Sheriff, don’t get him all fired up with righteous indignation.
Jack: “They will hate you because they hated me,” that’s what Jesus said!
Sheriff: Alright, alright. You know the drill, hillbilly. Collect that evidence for me.
Dan hauls a few kegs of moonshine out of his trunk and into that of sheriff's car.
Narrator: Finding in Grey Pines a vacuum of law,
Laughing manaiacal, the demons guffaw,
And as the sheriff takes his toll,
A tariff too is on his soul.
Back in the car, Dan starts the engine and pulls back on the road.
Jack: So that’s law and order around here?
Dan: Welcome to Grey Pines. Pretend you didn’t see anything.
Jack: We must render unto Caesar his due.
Dan: I guess. Well, you want to sell some Bibles? Let’s go to church.
Jack: At this hour?
Dan: It’s that time of night. We gotta bring the bad news.
Jack: (Smacking his black case) I’ve got plenty of good news to make up for it! You know that’s what “gospel” means. The good news!
The car rolls to a stop. Dan and Jack walk up to the church. Muffled ragtime music is heard amongst the panoply of frogs and insects.
Dan: It’s a good thing you can’t see the church. She could use a fresh coat of paint. A new roof. And just about everything else. It’s a damn shame.
As he says this they get our of the car and walk through squishy mud toward the church.
Jack: Good golly, is the church in a swamp? And what’s that music?
Dan: Don’t going spreading it around, but every Saturday night, the church becomes a speakeasy.
Jack: Now that is a shame. That’s a cryin’ shame.
Dan makes the “secret knock” on the door.
Teddy: What’s the password?
Dan: It’s me Teddy, Johnny Appleseed.
Teddy throws open the door to a blast of ragtime.
Teddy: He’s here boys, our savior!
There’s a roar of applause, but Dan cuts it off.
Dan: Nah, nah, cut the music. No joy tonight.
The music stops abruptly and the applause turns to groans.
Pappy: Ahhh shit on stick, Danny Boy, you didn’t make it?
Dan: I’m sorry Pappy, I ran out of gas and the shariff got me.
The groans turn to murmured curses and insults.
Pappy: Excuses, excuses. Doesn’t Reverend Teddy pay you enough to afford a little gasoline?
Dan: Not if we’re gonna keep the farm, Pappy! Unlike the shariff, who takes his tax honestly, those bankers are sure to give us hell if we don’t make the interest payments.
Teddy: Tax? Ha! The amount of moonshine that Sherif is sitting on could fill the seven seas.
An angry chorus shouts in agreement.
Jack: It’s a cryin’ shame! An outrage! A poke in the eye of justice!
Everyone goes silent, sizing up Jack.
Pappy: And now who is this joker?
Jack: They used to call me black Jack, back in my wretched days as a—
Dan: This is Jack, the Bible salesman.
Jack: I have come to declare God’s vengeance! It may sound like Dan and I have brought bad news, but hear this good news! I tell you this dry, dreary Saturday night is but a calm before a storm of righteous wrath that is coming to wash away the greed and corruption that have ravished this humble little town. Soon the gray pines will grow evergreen!
Teddy: Golly, mister. Seems your a preacher too.
Jack: The shariff, the bank, and the Devil himself cannot withstand the raging torrent of justice that I am about to whip on this town! Lashing upon lashing, like the torrents of a tempest, like the raging thunder of a thousand—
A booming knock thuds upon the door. Silence. Teddy shuffles to the door.
Teddy: What’s the password?
Sheriff: You’re all under arrest unless you open this door, Teddy.
Teddy: (Whispering) It’s the sheriff.
Dan: It’s not like we have any moonshine. Let him in.
Teddy unlocks the door and it creaks open.
Teddy: Well good evening, Sheriff. We were just listening to a sermon from this nice preacherman. Would you care to join us?
Shariff: Yeah right, and hell has frozen over.
Jack: Blessed are they who thirst for justice!
Teddy: Now, now, we appreciate your good news, Mr. Preacherman, but let’s keep the peace for now.
Shariff: Somehow I came upon something you might be lacking.
The sheriff sloshes a jug of moonshine and takes a long swig.
Sheriff: Two dollars for what’s left in this jug, take it out leave it.
Pappy: Two damn dollars?!
Dan: Come on fellas, don’t act so surprised, it’s business as usual.
Sheriff: You heard the kid, cut the theatrics.
Grumbling, the men sift through their pockets for coins.
Teddy: Alright just twenty more cents, I’ll add that from the till. And Dan you just make sure your tank is filled up next time.
Sheriff: (slurring his words) The kid can drive, that’s a fact. With half a tank, maybe there is hope for the farm after all.
(Pause. The frogs hum.)
Teddy: Well Sheriff, are you going to stick around?
Sheriff: (Coming to his senses and laughing abruptly) With you outlaws? I wouldn’t be caught dead.
He sloshes the jug forward. Two dollars of coins hit his palm, and a couple slide through his fingers, jangling on the floor.
Sheriff: That there’s the sound of a little mercy. (Mumbling) All the missus can afford, after the grocery and bills and all.
The Sheriff stumbles out the door.
Teddy: You drive careful now Shariff.
Sheriff: (Grumbling as he sloshes through the mud toward his car) What’re you my mother?
Teddy closes the door. .
Teddy: He’s got children to feed, but—
Gus: Two damn dollars! It’s a travesty.
Jack: Pardon me, but I just realized I left something in the car.
Jack’s cane taps toward the door.
Teddy: Here, I go the door for you Mr. Preacherman. I’d offer you a flashlight, but I guess you don’t need it!
Jack: Oh, that’s so kind of you, thank you.
The door creaks open again, and Jacks taps out into the mud. Teddy shuts the door.
Dan: Well what are we waiting for? Hit the music!
The ragtime plays again.
Teddy: Let’s be grateful for the little we have.
Glasses and tin cups clink as Teddy pours out some shots.
Teddy: Here’s to hope in better times to come!
The men cheers each other and banter erupts.
Men bantering: You remember when the Shariff played ball at state…ah those were better times…Gus quit farting…it was a barking spider…rememeber that one time when back when booze was still legal, and the sheriff used to come around…
The music swells and then fades into the narration music.
Narrator:
With a taste of lighting and a feeling fond,
no body pondered on Jack being gone.
For a while, Jack was not missed,
When he came back, nobody noticed,
Gone he was long as a country mile,
And back he came with an odd smile,
Preaching truth to power and woe to the banks,
And for his good word we gave him much thanks.
But come morning the news befuddled,
‘cause the Sheriff was found dead in a puddle.
The narration music fades into the sound of birds chirping outside the walls of the church. When Teddy speaks, his voice is haggard.
Teddy: Now I’m sure y’all heard the news this morning. A sad and dreadful thing. The sheriff was found dead. How a man drowns in two inches of water is beyond my comprehension, but the Lord works in mysterious ways.
A woman weeps theatrically.
Teddy: Now, now Mrs. Sutton, don’t cry too much, because the sheriff has gone to his reward.
Pappy coughs loudly.
Dan: (Murmuring) Pappy, if you’re going to hack up a long, don’t do it in church.
Teddy: It is not our place to understand these tragic events, and I trust we’ll all be praying for the Sheriff’s family. As always I thank y’all for coming to church today. God willing, someday we’ll fix the wholes in the roof and maybe stave off the bats once and for all.
Pappy: Oh now he’s going to ask us for money, I bet.
Dan: Hush, Pappy!
Teddy: But today, we’ve got an exciting visitor. Reverend Jack has traveled far to come preach to y’all, so let’s give him a hardy welcome.
A smattering of claps fill the church, and something flutters in the rafters. Jack’s cane taps up to the pulpit.
Jack: Thank you. Thank you Reverend Teddy. Y’all are too kind. Too kind. Too kind to a wretch like me. A man who was once called Black Jack for my wicked gambling ways. But it was good the Lord put me through those trials so I might hear his call to come witness to y’all here in lovely little Grey Pines. (Pappy Coughs) I dare say, I may be a blind man, but I can see this is a good town. To y’all it might not look like it. It might not feel like it. But this town is waiting on a miracle. Can I get an amen?!
Mrs. Sutton: (wailing) Amen, brother preacherman!
Jack: On a gloomy day like today, with the poor sheriff on his way to the grave, this town is in need of some good news. Oh yes, as Reverend Teddy so truly said, it is not for us to know the mysterious ways of the Most High God. As the Lord speaks through the prophet Isaiah: “My thoughts are not your thoughts.” As God tells Job: “Where were you when I created the foundations of the world?” Well, Mrs. Sutton, where were you?
Mrs. Sutton: (Weeping) I don’t know!
Jack: Young Mr. Dan, where were you when God created the foundations of the world?
Dan: I wasn’t born yet.
Jack: That’s right. It’s not for us to know. But did you know, in the good book, it says eat, drink and be merry? It’s about time there was something to be merry about around here. And I dare say, if the good Lord came today, he might turn water into wine for the gentry on the coasts, but for the folks in the heartland, he’d turn water into moonshine!
Pappy: (Coughing excitedly!) Amen to that!
Jack: Now, do y’all know that God loves you?
Mrs. Sutton: Oh yes!
Jack: Not a bird falls from the sky without God knowing and caring about it. How much more he must love and care for his faithful flock? Did you know, by golly, he has counted every single hair on your head?!
Pappy: Not many.
Dan: Hush Pappy!
Jack: Yes, it is true, as they say, that the beginning of wisdom is fear of the Lord. And what is the end of wisdom? Why, it’s love! The Old Testament says fear God, but then Jesus comes to tell us to love God, and love our neighbor. Well I’m sure y’all know all that. I’m sure you’ve heard it from Reverend Teddy a hundred times. Isn’t that right?
Mrs. Sutton: Amen!
Jack: But how about this, tell me this. How are you supposed to love your neighbor, when the bank is threatening you with eviction? Pretty soon you might not have any neighbors at al! (Looking skyward) Oh God, we know that you are all mighty and all loving, but why do you allow the bank to harass these good people? Dear Lord, you say consider the lilies. Consider the ravens. But do the lilies and the ravens ever fall behind on their interest payments?!
Mrs. Sutton: (Weeping) Oh Lord! Lord!
Jack: Well of course, the good book has wisdom to sooth all our worry and woe. Reverend Teddy my friend, do you ever preach to this congregation from the book of Proverbs?
Teddy: (Caught off guard) Uh, why yes, I suppose so.
Jack: Folks, you know that the book of Proverbs is abounding in wisdom. And what does it say in the book of Proverbs? Who here has a Bible handy? Reverend Teddy, do you have a Bible?
Teddy: Why yes, of course.
Jack: Reverend Teddy, turn to Proverbs, chapter thirty-one, verses six and seven, and tell me what it says.
Teddy: Let’s see here. (He pages through a Bible). “Give strong drink unto him that is ready to perish, And wine unto the bitter in soul: Let him drink, and forget his poverty, And remember his misery no more.”
Pappy: Well I’ll be, that good book is better than I thought!
Jack: Oh worry and woe, dear Lord, look at this church! It’s about ready to perish. Oh God, the misery of these poor people, makes my soul bitter. Oh God, please! We need a miracle. Please, show us a sign of your love. Dear people of Grey Pines, pray with me, please!
Mrs. Sutton: Oh please, Lord!
From behind the pulpit, Jack procures a jug of clear liquid.
Jack: Oh God, here I hold a jug of water. I ask you dear God, as Elija called on you for a sign and you sent fire to destroy the pagan Gods, I too call on you for a sign, dear Lord! As you turned water into wine for the folks at the wedding in Cana, please dear God, I ask you, turn this water into moonshine! Can I get a witness?
Congregation: (Roaring in unison) Amen!
Pappy: Amen to that!
Mrs. Sutton: And Hallelujah!
Dan: (Murmuring) I don’t know Pappy, we shouldn’t put God to the test.
Pappy: Hush now, let’s see.
Jack: Okay folks, here’s the moment of truth. Has God heard our prayer? Pappy, why don’t you take a sip of this jug and let us know.
Pappy: (Elated) Well don’t mind if I do!
Jack unscrews the lid of the jug and hands it over to Pappy, who takes a sip.
Pappy: (Screaming) White Lightning!
The congratulation erupts in cries of joy.
Jack: Praise God! Hosanna in the highest! And on earth, peace to people of good will!
Mrs. Stutton: Hallelujah!
Dan: Pappy, are you serious?
Jack: Pappy, why don’t you pass that jug around?
Teddy: Amen Pappy, pass it here.
Jack: That’s not moonshine folks. That’s the blessed blood of Jesus. That’s good news in a bottle, flowing like the waters of the River Jordan!
The jug is passed from person to person, each taking many long gurgles.
Pappy: We’ll gat durn, Dan you weren’t lyin’, it was a good day to come to church!
Jack: God gives us what we need to do his will, and today that’s moonshine.
Mrs. Sutton: Pappy you already had enough, save some for the rest of us.
Pappy: Hoooo-weee!
Jack: The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away. He took the Sharif, but he gives us moonshine! The harvest is plentiful, but the laborers are few. Come all ye faithful, come to drink to the health of the bridegroom and his church, come to the supper of the Lord!
Mrs. Sutton: Amen, I say Aaaaamen!
She glugs the jug.
Jack: Wash away those tears, Mrs. Sutton. Wash away the heartache, and the sorrow. No more gnashing of teeth, for the sun now shines in the dark valley. Can I get a witness?!
A chorus of “amen” comes from the congregation, along with the enthusiastic sloshing of the jug. Now Jack lowers his voice and the room becomes hushed.
Jack: Folks, today God is washing away our troubles. And what is it that troubles this town? Why is it young Dan can’t afford gasoline? Why is it Pappy can’t rebuild the farm?
Pappy: Those damn interest payments!
Dan: (Murmuring) No cursing in church, Pappy.
Jack: That’s right. Folks, did you know it specifically says in the good book, multiple times in the law given to Moses, don’t lend money if you’re going to charge interest?
Pappy: I did not know that.
Jack: That’s called usary, folks, and it’s the work of the Devil. Those who don’t work, don’t eat. That’s what the good book says. Money is meant for working people! Tell me, what work do you see those bankers doing?
Pappy: They ain’t doing shit!
Dan: Pappy, no cursing in church.
Jack: Those bankers have the police doing all their work for them. Hard working men like the sheriff, God rest his soul, got to go around keeping folks scared stiff, so the bankers can sit pretty.
Teddy: Pappy, pass that damn bottle.
Dan: Well I guess we just cursing in church now.
Pappy: To hell with the bank!
Jack: Amen, brother!
Jack: I’m not a gambling man anymore more, but if I were I’d make a bet: If y’all didn’t have to make those interest payments, wouldn’t there be a fresh coat of paint on the walls of this church?
Congratulation: Yeah!
Jack: Holes in the roof! (He pounds his fist on the pulpit) Bats flying every which way. Those demon vermin, those critters of the dark. How you gonna let your light shine in a place like this? It’s a cryin’ shame (pounding his fist) seeing the temple of the Lord so disheveled. But all the money’s going to the bank, so there’s none left to put in the basket. Pass me that jug.
Teddy: I believe it’s all gone, Reverend Jack.
Jack: Oh no, Lord have mercy!
Pappy: Well gat durn it, the moonshine’s gone. Are we gonna sit here all day griping or we gonna do something?! I’m goin over to that bank and showing them my interest—with my shotgun!
(The congratulation howls in approval.)
Dan: Sit down now Pappy, quit bluffing.
Jack: Bluffing? Bluffing! Boy, clearly you never been a card player. You’re Pappy ain’t bluffing, because he’s got a royal flush of truth and justice in his hands. Oh Jesus, if you were here you’d be tossing the tables of the money changers.
Jack pounds his fist once more, and the pulpit falls to pieces. Mrs. Sutton screams.
Jack: Ah, I’m sorry, I just got so worked up and broke the darn pulpit. Reverend Teddy, please forgive–
Pappy: Hey, look-ee there!
Teddy: What in tarnation?
Jack: What? What do y’all see?
Pappy: There’s three more jugs of shine!
Teddy: More moonshine, hidden in the pulpit!
Mrs. Sutton: It’s a miracle!
Jack: More moonshine? Why yes. Yes! Glory be to God! Teddy my friend, pass these blessings around.
Jack unscrews another lid.
Teddy: Yes sir-ey!
Jack: If God is with us, who could stand against us?!
Jack bursts into song, and the congregation joins him.
Jack: (Singing) Mine eyes have seen the coming of the glory of the lord, he is trampling out vineyard where the grapes of wrath…
The singing fades into the narration music.
Narrator: Answer not a fool accoding to his folly
Lest you be like him yourself,
Says the good book of proverbs,
Sitting dusty on the shelf.
We let the church fall down,
We let the Devil in,
We forgot the thorny crown,
We forgot that God will win.
Tapping fingers on a cash register echo off marble walls. Muffled outside the glass doors, a mob approaches, singing “The Battle Hymn of the Republic.”
Mr. Boggs: Dierdra, is there a parade today?
Dierdra: I don’t believe so, Mr. Boggs. Oh heavens, that’s the obstinate farmer, and he has a shotgun!
Mr. Boggs: Dierdra, call the Sheriff!
Dierdra: The Shariff is dead, Mr. Boggs.
Mr. Boggs: Then call in the big guns. You know the red button under the counter?
Dierdra: Yes, Mr. Boggs.
Mr. Boggs: Hit the red button.
A rock is hurled through the glass doors, and the mob crashes into the building.
Mob: (singing) …his truth is marching on!
Pappy: Stick ‘em up bankerman.
Teddy: Raise ‘em high for Jeaus!
Pappy: No more interest payments. We’re making a withdrawal of all the money you stole from us.
Mrs. Sutton: (Breathless) Gonna give it to God and fix up the church!
The mob roars in approval.
Mr. Boggs: Fellas, ladies, please calm down. It appears you're drunk at noon on a Sunday.
Mrs. Sutton: We’re drunk on the Spirit!
Teddy: Amen! Reverend Jack came and whipped up our righteous anger, and…and he…
Mr. Boggs: Reverend who? Teddy, I thought you were the Reverend.
Teddy: (Bewildered) Well where is Reverend Jack?
Mr. Boggs: Now folks, how about you turn around and go sleep it off. The insurance will cover fixing the window, and we’ll forget this ever happened.
Pappy: Enough with your tricks, bankerman. If you don’t bring us all the money lickidy split, I’m sending you straight back to hell where you came from.
Pappy cocks the shotgun.
Dierdra: Please Mr. Boggs!
Mr. Boggs: Okay Dierdra, (he tosses her a set of keys) get the money. (To the mob) You’re going to regret this. Teddy, what in the name of God has gotten into you?
Teddy: Well it wasn’t me, it was—
Pappy: In the name of God?! Bankerman, if the only time you think of God is when a shotgun is staring you in the face, you’ve got plenty more thinking to do in eternity.
A car screeches to a halt outside the bank and the tires grind over the broken glass.
Pappy: There’s our get-away driver. And here comes Dierdra with the money. Alright Teddy, grab those bags and toss ‘em in the trunk.
A barrage of police sirens approach rapidly. The mob goes quiet.
Mrs. Sutton: (whimsically) That must be the Shariff, back from the dead.
Dan: (Yelling from the car) It’s the state patrol, hurry!
Pappy: You heard the boy, Teddy!
Teddy slams the trunk. The police cars skid to a stop. The sirens wail outside the bank and then cease. A police officer addresses the mob over a megaphone.
Officer: We’ve got the bank surrounded. Come out with your hands in the air.
Teddy: (With renewed vigor) Oh God. God! If God is with us, who could stand against us?!
Suddenly, a shot rings out and an officer howls in pain.
Officer: Man down! Open fire!
A barrage of gunfire rips through the sleepy town. Mrs. Sutton screams. Teddy sings “The Battle Hymn of the Republic.” Then Mrs. Sutton goes quiet, as does Teddy. The gunfire stops. Pappy moans, and Dan scrambles to him across the broken glass.
Dan: Damn it, Pappy, why’d you go shorting at the cops?!
Pappy: (Weakly) It wasn’t me, I swear, I didn’t fire a shot.
Dan: Ah shit Pappy, you’re hit bad.
Pappy: Someone was shooting from the church steeple.
Dan: Nevermind that for now. Let me get you out of here.
Pappy groans as Dan lifts him to his feet. Then another shot rings out, and Dan hoots in pain. They collapse. Pappy groans. Footsteps approach over the broken glass.
Pappy: Oh Danny boy, my time is coming quick. I never really believed in God, so I never really believed in the Devil.But I’m looking at him right now. He’s walking up, staring me down with his mean gray eyes. Oh Lord, help me.
Dan: (Wincing in pain) I see him too Pappy. It’s Reverend Jack.
Jack: You can call me Black Jack now.
Jack ejects the spent round from his rifle. He opens the car door, gets in the driver’s seat, and slams the door.
Jack: Mathew seven-fifteen. Beware of false prophets. They come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravenous wolves.
Jack shuts the door, starts the car, and drives away.
Pappy: Ah damn it all to hell, Pappy. It wasn’t Bibles he had in that big black case. It was a sniper rifle. Pappy? Ah Pappy no.
Dan begins to weep.
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